Ben Smiled

Laura (my sister-in-law) gave us a CD the other day that I thought contained pictures of Ben. I viewed it today at work and found out it is not pictures but a video clip of Ben in the CICU. Karen and Laura are talking to Ben and you can see him actually smile! It's a great video and I can't thank Laura enough for sharing this with us. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did!

Back To Work

Today was my first day back at work. To say that I wasn't all that excited about going back would be an understatement. But, it actually went very well. Most of that can be attributed to my awesome staff at work. They made sure my day was light, limited my OB patients, sent flowers . . . you name it, they did it. My patients had a lot to do with it as well. Some of my OB patients wanted to give me a little time to get readjusted to being back, so they are seeing my partners this week. Again, I am humbled by the outpouring of generosity and genuine concern of everyone! It made the transition very smooth. But, even seeing my pregnant patients wasn't as difficult as I imagined. It was a good day.

We had a great "last week" in preparation for me going back to work. We spent a lot of time with the kids, going to the zoo on Thursday when it was 100 degrees! We had dinner with Les and Jean and played trivia at Chevy's like old times. We even won! I took the girls to the Webster pool with my neighbor Jennifer and her kids, lathering Meg up with sunscreen, of course. We had dinner with Drew's parents on Saturday night, and all of the girls (Sophie, Meg, and Drew's sister Tori) played so well together while we visited. The rest of our free time was spent playing on the new swingset we got for Sophie and Meg. Now all we hear is "swing, swing"!

Happy Father's Day

Friday night we went to Incredible Pizza for a small b-day party for Meg. Everyone had a great time, especially Meg. I was successful at making her an Elmo cake that actually looked like Elmo! We ate pizza, opened gifts, and then headed over to the "rides". They have the perfect toddler area that has a small carousel and a little car that goes around in circles. I think Sophie, Meg and Audrey could have done this for hours, but fortunately for the adults, it was bed time.

Father's Day was a little more difficult than I had expected. It started when I had to sign Greg's card for the girls. The card said from your kids, and I couldn't help but think back to how I signed the cards on Mother's Day, with Benjamin's name. Greg had the same thoughts as I did, and I felt bad for him, it being his day. But, we still had a nice day with the girls. We went to my parents for dinner, and all the kids played on a slip and slide.

It is amazing how you think you are doing perfectly fine, and then out of nowhere a thought enters and you're sad again. I think I am expecting too much of myself - it's only been three weeks since the funeral. And I am worried that when I go back to work, the thoughts will increase. Here at home I can shelter myself from seeing babies and pregnant women. Unfortunately, my job isn't one where I can distract myself from the reality of losing my baby - every day will be a reminder. But I also do hope that by getting back into work, it will get easier, and I do miss it. My office has been awesome in supporting me, and I know they will do everything they can to make my return positive. We'll just have to see how it goes!

Happy Birthday To Meg

Today is Meg's 2nd birthday. Sophie woke up this morning, and the first thing that she said was"Happy Birthday Meg!". I'm not sure that Meg really got it, but she loved the attention. She also loves singing Happy Birthday, although probably only Greg and I can recognize it. Anyway, it was a pretty low key evening with Aunt Laura, Audrey and Drew coming over to eat pizza and cupcakes. She got a new bike helmet, so that Sophie can have hers back. She loved that it had Elmo on it!

Our house is a major construction zone, and my kitchen consists of a card table and some make shift cabinets. I did, though, as I mentioned above, manage to make cupcakes and pizza. I just couldn't bring myself to buy cupcakes for her b-day. Now I am supposed to make an Elmo cake for our party on Friday, but that may prove to be a much bigger challenge. And I don't want to traumatize the child with some spooky looking Elmo.

I am amazed by the insightfulness of my girls. Meg found Ben's blanket upstairs yesterday and was walking around holding it saying "my baby" and "ohh". She gets real sad when she looks at the collage of pictures with Ben and all of us. Sophie put a sticker on my mirror telling me that it was for Ben and it would make him want to come home. I try to not upset them more with my answers, and it is difficult for me sometimes to talk to them about it. But we are trying.

The doctor who delivered Benjamin, Dr. Shumway, called yesterday. He had been on vacation and had just found out. He was very upset. We have actually known him for many years; we worked with him as residents at SLU. We were so happy that he came for Ben's delivery, not knowing anyone down at Barnes. It was nice of him to call. I know from the doctor side of it, how upsetting it is to find out that a baby that you delivered has died - and that phone call is a difficult one to make. Again, I have to say, I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from everyone, and it has helped us immensely.

Picture Day

Some days are harder than others. These past two days have been. We took the girls to get their pictures taken, which I had been meaning to do before Benjamin was born. Of course, I didn't get that done. Then, after Ben was in the hospital, I thought that I would wait until he came home and have a nice photo session done at home with Brandi Brown, who did my girls last summer. Yesterday we took just two kids to get their pictures done. And, of course, there are babies and newborns everywhere, and this just made it even sadder to me. I had best get used to this, as I am surrounded by pregnancy and babies at work. I think it is definitely a good thing that I am taking a little more time off of work.

When we first learned about the HLHS back in December, I started to learn more through the internet, and stumbled upon other families' blogs concerning their children with HLHS. This became overwhelming to me, and I had to stop. The amount of sadness that I encountered was not helpful to me at the time, as I needed hope. I now find myself drawn back to these same blogs, now that I too share these same experiences. One little girl got a new heart last week after her heart began to fail after the Glenn surgery. Another little girl died after a failed Glenn. I realized that this could have been Ben. If he had undergone the Norwood, the outcome would have been the same, only prolonged. We could have lost a six month old, or one year old like these families. Is it better to have known them longer, to have been able to take them home? I don't know. I only know that I am sad enough only having known Benjamin for five weeks.

It is hard to imagine that as I sit here, there are other families going through the same things that we just did. These blogs reinforce this. For many families, open heart surgeries, months in the cardiac ICU, holding your dying child, are realities. As I have said before, it changes you, and your perspective on life. No one should have to make the decisions or do the things that these families have to do everyday. Thank God most of us never have to. But I can't stop thinking about it all, and missing my baby. I should probably stop looking at those blogs again.

Next week is Meg's birthday - she'll be two already! Hopefully, we can have a nice time out for pizza and games. Meg loves the games and kid rides at the pizza place, so much so that it is hard to keep track of her. But, she really enjoys it, as does Sophie and her cousin Audrey. And I guess since I am not working, I have no excuse not to make the cake!

Back to Real Life

It has already been a week since Benjamin's funeral. It doesn't really seem possible. We are attempting to get life back to some sense of normalcy. Last week we spent a lot of time with the girls. We went to the zoo on Thursday, and touched the stingrays. Well sort of. I stuck my hand in one time, as did Sophie. Believe it or not, neither of us really enjoyed it much. Meg had no interest in trying! Sophie got her face painted, which somehow she is able to sit still for. We went to dinner with my parents at Joanie's Pizza on Friday night. Saturday night we went to the Cardinals game, and we actually sat through six inning in our seats with the girls! This was a first. We had a really enjoyable evening.

Our babysitter Brittany was back on Monday, after having been on vacation last week. The girls were happy to see her, although Meg not as happy for me to go. When she first saw Brittany she said "No - Mommy" and then said "bye-bye" while waving to her. Meg has been a sweet heart this week, wanting constantly for me to hold her, or just hold her hand and walk with her. The other night when I was putting her to bed she looked at me and said "I love you"! This was a first for my crazy on the go Meg. It has definitely helped me though.

The picture is of the tree that was planted in Benjamin's honor in our back yard. It looks very nice with all of the surrounding landscaping. As I said before, I cannot believe it has been a week since the funeral. I feel that I am doing pretty well. I still have up all of the pictures that my sister put out at the visitation, and enjoy looking at Ben everyday. I am trying to remember him those first few weeks before he was so sick, without the breathing tube. I wish I had taken more pictures, but I really thought he was coming home, and wanted pictures without all the tubes and wires. And he got so sick so fast, without much warning on that Friday. I have started in on the daunting task of going through all of his things - his gifts and cards and clothes - to be able to put them away. I think I will probably leave out his blanket somewhere, maybe in the new room that we are adding that was supposed to be his room. I don't really want to just store it in a box; I think I'd like to leave it out. Greg is back to work for the first time today, and it is a little hard for him. I anticipate the same for me when I return in a few weeks. I had initially thought that I might go back early, but I quickly realized that I need some time before I return. So, I am going to work on some things at home, and enjoy my girls. This experience has taught me quite a few things, but most of all, it has helped me to appreciate my daughters and how lucky I am to have them.

Don't Cry Mom, Today Is A Happy Day

Out of the mouths of babes. This is what Sophie said to me as we were getting ready for the funeral on Tuesday. Thank God for my girls.

The visitation and the funeral went very well. So many people came to offer their support and prayers - it is quite humbling. The Mass was beautiful, as was Fr. Meier's homily. I had selected all the music the day before with the choir director, and the songs were perfect. You could not have asked for better weather either. After the funeral, we went to my sister's house for lunch, and visiting with family was a welcome distraction.

Greg's family remained in town until yesterday. Greg's dad and brother planted a new tree in our backyard in honor of Benjamin. It's a dogwood, and we found the perfect place for it. My family also came over, and helped with the girls and laundry.

Now is when it starts to get difficult. All of the planning and distractions of the past few days are gone. It is quiet now as my girls take their naps, and now we are left with our thoughts. The thoughts are constant and never ending. I dream about Ben and the hospital, I wake up thinking about him. When you least expect it is when you are overcome with sadness. But then Sophie reminds me that it is a happy day, and she tells me that she loves it when I smile.

Arrangements

I have been told that there has been a problem with the blog sending the last post. I have reposted the arrangements in case there were any problems.

Arrangements for Benjamin's funeral are as follows:

Visitation:
Monday, June 1, 2009
Bopp Chapel
10610 Manchester Road
Kirkwood, MO

5-8 p.m.Funeral Mass:
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Mary Queen of Peace Church
Webster Groves, MO
10 a.m.